No, that's not a beer belly.

We're trading silent nights for sleep walking, messy diapers, and squeaky toys.  Yup, we're going to be parents!  While I may have tried hiding my growing bump during the majority of the first two trimesters, we've reached week 39 and there's no denying our family is growing.  But this, of course, is not new news!  In fact, if you were one of the lucky ones to have been by my side prior to IVs and finally daily medication, you knew from the endless vomiting, the turning down of food (I do NOT turn down food) and the increased naps.  Yup, from the very beginning, it's been obvious.  But the idea of us being parents, apparently wasn't.

 

 

Thirty weeks

 

Once we made the announcement the questions came flooding in as to whether or not it was planned. Oh, here we go again. Let me be frank.  Those who may be sensitive to blunt honesty, please stop reading now.  No, really, stop reading if you're going to be offended. 

Yes, this child was planned.  My husband and I are no longer young enough to feign ignorance or extreme naivety.  At this age, knowing what we know about the birds and bees, how could we ever say she was not (and keep a straight face)?  Yes, she was very much planned.  Was it part of our plan to tell our friends, family and complete strangers when we would start trying?  Well, no, but bless your heart for thinking we would.  

So now that some of you are upset with my honesty (honesty is afterall the best policy, though not always a welcomed one), let me also share this: stop asking.  Stop asking people if the pregnancy is planned.  Frankly, it is not proper to ask, nor is it appropriate.  In the rare chance that you happen to ask the one mother who happened to be the 1 in 100 to get pregnant while using a form of birth control, chances are she's not going to be overly excited to share that their child is indeed unplanned.  Let's face it, when you hear the words "We didn't plan to have a baby", you immediately think "and yet, there you are, all pregnant and bringing a child into the world you didn't even want".  And THAT is just ignorant. 

One word can change everything.

Two weeks ago I pulled up my big girl pants, kissed my husband before he headed off to work and dragged my mom with me to an appointment that I never imagined I'd have to make.  I wore my brave face up until they put me in a small waiting room where everyone was at least twice my age.  They looked at me with pity as the tears began to pool at the corner of my eyes.  While I dabbed quickly, it wasn't enough and they began streaming down my cheeks.  This was more than a hormonal cry, it was reality hitting like a hammer.  I rubbed my belly and tried to focus on the scripture given to me by a dear friend just months before. 

 

"She is clothed with strength and dignity..."

 

But I had no more strength.  I was scared for my life and that of our unborn child.  I wanted someone to reach over and tell me it would be okay, but we were all here for the same thing and we all knew that there was a high probability that for at least one of us, things wouldn't be okay.  I looked at the women around me, composed and reading their magazines as their gowns gapped haphazardly across their chests.  Then I looked at me, clenching the top of my gown as if it mattered.  Funny, the things we hold on to.

 

Eventually my breathing slowed as I remembered something my mom told me just ten years before while I laid in the hospital.  I had asked her if she was scared and she said, "God never gives us more than we can bear."  It wasn't specifically what she had said, but how her words resounded with such conviction and assurance- certainly it must be true.  I decided then there were two ways in which this appointment could go- I'd find out I had breast cancer or I didn't.  And regardless of the verdict, I could count on these three things:  my God would take care of me and those I loved, my husband would find a way to make me laugh regardless of how grave the situation, and our love would become even greater than we had ever imagined. 

 

When they called my name I held my head as high as I could and walked with as much confidence as I could muster.  The doctor explained what we were looking at throughout the process, but slowed over several spots in which were concerning.  She left to show the images to the radiologist and I laid there praying for strength and courage to be able to hear what she would say upon her return.  I prayed to my grandmother, a victim of breast cancer, and asked her to watch over me.  Maybe she heard me because when the doctor returned she explained that we would continue to watch these areas throughout the pregnancy, but at this time, they believed the three cysts were benign based on how close they were to one another.  Benign.  At that moment, it was the sweetest word I've ever heard. 

 

I walked out of the room, found my mom sitting in a separate waiting area and gave her the thumbs up.  I quickly changed and came back.  We didn't say anything and there were no hugs; just tears as we walked out in to the hospital's main hallways.  I knew she was thinking about my grandma and I just looked at her and thought, "there's no way you're getting out of being called Granny."  I flashed a half smile and we finally both breathed. 

 

 

 

 

**In six months I'll return for a mamogram and follow-up ultrasound.  Ladies (and men, you're not excluded), please know your body.  Don't wait for a doctor to tell you, especially now that they only do breast exams only once every two years.  I went from being a monthly checker to a lazy procrastinator and it gave me the scare of a lifetime.  Don't wait, especially if someone in your family has been diagnosed with breast cancer.  Early detection DOES save lives.

Angels on Earth

Several years ago, the country swooned over the movie, The Notebook.  Girls cried together on couches, promised themselves they'd wait for a love like that, and told their husbands they'd go in peace just like in the movie.  I didn't have to watch the movie or read the book.  I already knew the story.  It was the story of my grandparents and while my grandfather has certainly outlived both of his wives, a piece of him has died each time.

 

I have tried several times to bring to life his story; one of loss and love.  I've tried to eloquently write of the challenges he overcame with the loss of his first wife and finding love again, just to have it taken.  But the words, no matter how many times I write them or start over fall terribly short.  Maybe, just perhaps, there aren't enough words; for no words could describe the utter despair of losing his wife and the mother to his four children.  A wife that not only suffered from schizophrenia, a mental illness that challenges you and those around you to the core, but later from breast cancer which would ultimately take her long before we ever expected.

 

My mother once wrote about my grandmother.  She said she couldn't edit it or even read it over because it was too painful, too emotional.  How can you put in to words a person's life?  How can you give value so that others can appreciate your loss?  How?  I don't know how my mother did it, but she did.  It's a short piece and offers just a glimpse to the life my grandmother had and the profound impact she had on others.  You can read her story here as a guest post on Mom-in-the-Moon.

 

 And while all seemed lost, my mother fulfilled my grandmother's last dying wish and introduced my grandfather to a beautiful and charming lady; Pat.   Grandma Pat was a woman that would become a wife he adored and a grandma that spoiled the rest of us rotten. To my younger cousins, she was the only grandmother they ever knew and to me she was the grandmother I knew my grandma always dreamed of being.  Still, it was hard, growing up missing Grandma the way I did and at times feeling guilty for loving Grandma Pat just as much.  But my grandfather was happy, we were happy, and life seemed to once again be as it should be.

 

I spent nearly every Sunday curled up on their couch after church, which I've written about here.  Every Sunday I learned more life lessons, heard the same old stories, and indulged in all things chocolate.  It was comfortable, it was simple, it was our life.  Then, my grandmother started to forget simple things, things were uncomfortable, and life got real.  She was diagnosed with cancer and later with Alzheimer's.  If God only gives you what you're able to handle, my grandfather must be a saint.  I watched him cry when things got tough; how he helped my grandmother to the bathroom, get her dress, take her around the block becuase she refused to be in a home that wasn't hers.  What broke my heart was watching the woman he loved forget who he was.  She'd get angry and demand to be taken home, but she was already there.  He never left her side.  Not even on her last day.  He loved her like he loved my grandmother.  And with every kiss, every story, I knew he not only saw his new wife, but also the one he lost many years ago.

 

No, words can't begin to explain it.  Any outsider, trying to understand, would just nod in kind gesture, never fully grasping the love my grandfather had for his wives, a love he shared with us.  And while, pictures are worth a thousand words, even they seem to fall short.  At any rate, the following pictures, capture just a glimpse at the love my grandfather had for my grandma. 

 

 Just a few months after Grandma Pat passed, I traveled home to see my family.  I asked Papa to take me to the farm to see it one more time and to stop by Grandma Pat's grave.  He grabbed the keys and we were off.  Before we left, he asked if he could just go and say goodbye one last time.  I sat in the car, but found myself following quickly behind him as I watched him grab grass seed and fertilizer from his trunk.  Happy to have had my camera, these pictures show how much he loved her.

 

"She would have wanted her grass to be the prettiest."